woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
