Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
