I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
