I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
