i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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