Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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