i wish peter jackson would direct porn
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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