More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
