yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
