The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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