you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
