I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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