wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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