Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
