I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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