How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
