She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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