bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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