I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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