having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
