Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize