oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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