He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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