I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
