i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
