Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
