I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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