if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
