Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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