You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
