I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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