He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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