he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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