after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
