I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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