Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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