You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
