She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
