Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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