oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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