a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
