my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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