it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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