dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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