I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
