I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
