I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
