you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
