I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
