Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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