I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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