Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
