I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
