the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
