just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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