He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
