Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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