Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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