I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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